Posts tagged tea baggers

Laisa and her “boy,” (as she calls him,) ended up having a fight and breaking up over her journal entry yesterday.  That’s what happens when you forget that a public blog is not a highly encrypted message sent through a top-secret and private intranet.

I liked Terrence.  Nice quality boy.  Educated, articulate, genteel, excellent fighting technique, decent bassist and well-groomed.  Sasha was downright giddy to see them split.  I have no idea why.

Not wasting any time, he set our daughter up with some scrawny wuss by the name of Reznik. He was the son of a church friend.  My stomach churned at the thought of my daughter dating a right-wing drone.

That kid behaved in an irritatingly Fundamentalist manner.  He would not shut up about the Bible, the undead zombie god, or about how he would “pray” about my “unorthodox relationship” with Sasha.  Then there was the mindless salivating over Bill O’ Riley, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and that Mike “the Wiener” Savage. He even had the nerve to ask me about Miss America and Proposition 8.  The lack of gray matter is painfully obvious.  I worked hard to resist the urge to kill by ignoring his idiocy and not engaging in the conversation.  And then, the little shit had to bring up abstinence-only education.

“I signed a virginity pledge!  I’m gonna save myself for a Christian marriage.”  I could not stop wincing at that fucking rodent.  Everyone knows that teens  who take virginity pledges are more likely to engage in risky anal sex to avoid “losing their virginity” to vaginal intercourse.  Statistically, they are less likely to use birth control (just look at Bristol Palin.)   Because of their ignorance about condoms, those abstinence twits are well-known STD spreaders.

I had a picture in my mind.  I imagined that dumb hick talking my precious child into believing that bareback buttsex didn’t really count as actual sex.  I cringed at the idea of my poor baby catching gonorrhea from Reznik’s high-risk, “non-sex” activities with other equally clueless Christian teens.

I lost my mind and opened my mouth when Laisa told me that they were going to the Cottage Grove drive-in theater.  I wanted to make sure that this church mouse knew that anal sex was no joke.

Laisa yelled at me in full Russian fury.  I screamed right back.  Before we finished arguing, the mouse boy ran away, screaming something about homosexuality, hellfire and brimstone.  Sasha and Laisa bitched at me.  I smiled.  My job as a father was well-done and my daughter’s toosh was safe from the Christian invaders.