Family and Band
Posts tagged tmi
I sometimes have waking and sleeping nightmares about myself.
Jan 21st
I am not sure if half of my life actually happened, or if my memory is playing tricks on me. I dreamt that somebody my mother chained against a wall. My father called her a traitor to the Motherland. I heard her tortured every single night at midnight. When I would come to her aid, father would strangle me. Eventually, I stopped getting out of bed. I would choke anyway, as if a demon were strangling me on my father’s behalf. Sometimes, this still happens to me, when I stay up too late and I’m by myself. Zoya called this the midnight sickness.
When I turned thirteen, father beat me savagely for asking him about my mother. He gave me an axe and told me to put my mother out of her misery. Everything is a blur after that moment. Father punished me for “killing” her and told me that I was an going to hell.
Sasha says that I would have never done that, and that my father was a sadistic monster trying to brainwash me into believing that I was a murderer in order to cover up his own sick misdeeds. I know that my father was a prone to fabricating sick tales for his own pleasure, and a psychopath to boot. For most of my life, I actually believed that I was actually an upir that he adopted and that I killed my “real mother” by ripping my way out of her womb. When that story crumbled to pieces, he came out with even more outlandish tales. Sometimes, I don’t know what to believe, even though my rational brain tells me that this man was an insane degenerate. He was my father, and every boy wants to believe his daddy.
My mind plays tricks on me when my medications aren’t working right. It’s time to get my pills adjusted, I think.
Lil’ Dima’s goin’ to ze nuttyhouse today.
Jul 6th
Ooooooooooooooooooookay…
Vampires + conspiracies + tracking-devices + money from secret medical experiments = Certified Lunacy
Please pay no attention to the previous post’s fictional nutbaggery. None of it is true. Regardless, I am leaving that post intact. The emergency room doctors can read it after I am done chewing them out for being incompetent. It’s bad enough that my handsome and highly functional spouse has been transformed into a drooling and quivering zombie in less than a week. This shit is the final straw.
I also believe that the post in question provides me with a reminder that a charming man with a very profound mental disability, can’t always pass for “normal” or live the kind of independent and joy-filled life that all human beings deserve. My beloved is not confined to a wheelchair or physically weak, but he needs my help all the same when his mind is vulnerable.
I can deal with the delusional schizophrenia-induced “memories” when he works on embellishing the past for his literary works. I’m used to it. Dmitri is not a fucking vampire, but he is batshit fucking crazy. I doubt that the United States government would ever allow a cannibalistic serial killer to enter their country. He hadn’t even been diagnosed with schizophrenia, the second time he came into the United States. It was bad enough when came to America illegally the first time. The deportation happened after he turned himself in for a murder that he did not commit. More on that later.
Dmitri is supremely lucky. The lawyer his record company found was decent enough to make his and our citizenship possible. He is even luckier that the DNA evidence, the investigation and psych eval cleared him of any wrong-doing. As for the royalty money, it’s from his recording production work and his new age album sales, not some fucking X-files blood patent. Just wanted to set the record straight, before the Internet bitches start spreading gossip.
These idiot ER doctors switching up my husband’s meds piss me off. His old treatment worked just fine. Dima went into depression because he’s an alcoholic, not because the meds weren’t working. His psycho killer delusions come from the schizophrenia and everything he has been through. These new meds aren’t helping him deal with these issues any.
The abuse that his father put him through, as well torturing his mother to death and nearly doing the same to Ace, were enough to start him on the path to crazy. Zoya was killed on stage by some piece of shit stalker in front of him and a live audience. Then, his shrink/girlfriend was murdered about ten years later on his birthday. He found her body. I too would go insane if that shit happened to me.
I wish he’d remember that he tried to save his mother’s life. He saved Ace. He tried to save Zoya. There was nothing that he could do for his shrink/girlfriend, but at least they caught the who did it. It makes me crazy that he blames himself for shit as coping mechanism. I wish he would stop believing his delusion more than the facts. The alcoholism relapses don’t help either. Why were those quacks too stupid to figure this out? Jesus, I don’t have a medical degree and I can figure this shit out!
Wish me luck getting him switched back to his old meds. I cannot have him stuck in the funny farm for months again, while they try to figure out how not to make him crazier with new meds. I just cannot.
This is making me mental.
